Funny Jokes

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

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Snowballs.

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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In a stork???!!!"

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Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.

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My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

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Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.

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I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

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Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

 

Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

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Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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"Mother, why do people die so quickly in our family?"

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"Mama?"

"Mama?"

"Maaaammaaaaaaa!"

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Source : Funny Jokes