Why Do I Sabotage My Own Relationships?

Have you ever caught yourself wanting to pull away as soon as you see someone show you real care? Or do you start doubting, questioning, and feeling scared when things are going well? You are not alone. Self sabotage is often a protective mechanism your mind and body employ in unfamiliar situations. 

It is worth noting, however, that you've recognised something very few do. Furthermore, you have taken an initiative to do something about it. That takes courage and that courage has brought you to the right place for your concerns. But let’s take a step back and look at what sabotage really means.

 

What exactly does ‘sabotage’ include?

Most people understand self-sabotage as "getting in your own way" or "wrecking your own life". However, that's not the whole story. 

Self-Sabotage is your brain's way of protecting you from potential hurt or pain. You might've heard that your brain is a powerful prediction machine and an encyclopaedia. It learned what caused you pain and what kept you safe in the past. Your brain goes through the inventory of your past experiences and anything it predicts would cause you pain, it protects you from it in the form of "self sabotage". So, how does it show up in your present? 

When it comes to relationships, you might find various reasons to break it off again and again. It can even be a completely unconscious reaction developing from past traumatic experiences or relationships such as -

• Always falling for emotionally unavailable people
• Pushing people away when they get too close
• Losing interest when someone genuinely likes you
• Feeling anxious or uncomfortable when relationship is going smooth or stable
• Acting cold or distant when you really care about your partner

And so on.

These behaviors and strategies probably protected you in the past but are hindering your growth and happiness in the present. 

A 30 year old man came to a trauma therapist India telling his therapist, “I just want to be in a healthy fulfilling long term relationship but I can't seem to hold on to any relationship I get into. I always end up ruining things”. He has had a few relationships in his past where he observed the same patterns crop up. Initially, he used to be attentive, loving and caring in his relationships. But as soon as he started getting closer, feeling emotionally attached, he’d get scared, start finding faults in his partner and picking fights over things that don’t even matter to him. He also found it incredibly hard to be vulnerable and open up to his partner. He said, “I got irritated and snapped at her even though I know she cares and just wants to connect with me.”

Despite him wanting to stay, he found himself operating in such ways that inevitably led to most of his breakups. Through therapy he realized:

• When his partner showed their emotional vulnerabilities, he’d close up, not being able to share his own emotions due to the fear of being seen as weak, or even ridiculed.
• He'd feel irritated when they’d ask about his well-being. He said, ‘I feel like they are faking their concern. Sometimes, I find it okay, but soon it gets suffocating.’ 

 

After a few sessions with a trauma informed therapist inGurgaon, he understood how his reactions were rooted in his early experiences. After a huge fight with his father, his mother left when he was about 6 years old. Though they reconciled in a few months, that 5 year old was left behind with some deep hurt he didn’t get to process safely. Now as an adult, he was afraid to form attachments in the fear that they'll leave or abandon him. His brain was choosing familiar pain over unfamiliar happiness.

 

So, the ‘sabotage’ was just self-protection in disguise. It was an early adaptation, not a dysfunction. 

 

Why do I keep doing it unintentionally? 

 

The acts of ‘sabotage’ are not always tools to actually destroy your relationships. It can have a deeper meaning and usually, serves much more subtle purposes. Relationships often act as mirrors reflecting our early wounding.

 

Because our behaviors are not always guided only by the situations that lead to them even without you knowing many other factors play a role in deciding your actions.

 

It's often automatic and beyond your conscious awareness. You might not have any idea that they are actually there as protective, or maybe communicative devices. It could be a result of experiences or memories from your past.

It can be rooted in:

• Unmet emotional needs or being shamed for those needs in childhood
• Fear that once you form a real connection, they will leave you. (Fear of abandonment)
• Afraid of forming emotional attachment with others (fear of Vulnerability)
• Internalised false beliefs about self-worth and loveability or Parentification
• Traumatic events or relational wounding causing fear, distrust, and hyper-vigilance
• Afraid of losing control and being hurt
• Maladaptive factors of personality

 

Interestingly, it is possible that you wouldn't even remember any particular experience or trauma that could have caused this. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Rather that the experience psychologically hurt you to an extent, that to save yourself from those unpleasant memories, your inner mind chose to suppress it. 

 

Such repeated or intense experiences early in life, often manifests as maladaptive thought processes and emotional patterns. These patterns become part of your personality, as personality disorders and traits of personality disorders.

These deeply rooted patterns may reflect characteristics of personality disorders, which can be worked through with the help of the right trauma-informed therapist in India. 

 

The Role of Personality Disorders

 

“This is just who I am.”

Often, the behaviours that affect your relationships negatively are deeply embedded learned strategies that shape how you think, respond, and feel in every area of your life. 

They emerge from your early childhood experiences where shame, neglect, trauma or relational attachment wounding was running rampant. They eventually become part of you over time.

Not every “sabotaging” behavior means you have an undiagnosed personality disorder. Many people behave in ways that can make their relationships challenging, however not everyone has a personality disorder. Pop culture psychology calls it “toxic”, “manipulative” or "narcissistic", however, they are adaptive protective strategies designed to keep you safe.

Unlike other issues that affect certain aspects of your life, personality disorders affect every aspect of your life. As they are part of your behaviour structure, it guides your thoughts, attitude, and behaviour not only towards situations, but also towards people in all your relationships. 

 

Different personality disorders will lead to different types of problems between people. 

 

For example,

• A person with narcissistic traits tends to be domineering. Communication of issues can be challenging for them.
• People with borderline personality disorder can be really intense and impulsive. In his video, Dr. Daniel Fox gives much insight into the experiences of people with BPD in relationships. He especially highlights the importance of recognising the difference between want and need in establishing healthy attachments. He goes on to give a vivid picture of various thought and behavioural patterns that resonate with people who are struggling with BPD. Dr. Fox is a licensed psychologist who has done extensive work on personality disorders. He is an international speaker and a multi-award winning author specialised in personality disorders and treatment.
• A partner with paranoid personality disorder can be distrustful, and often suspicious.
• While people with dependent personality disorder traits can come off as clingy and overly dependent
• Those with avoidant traits can be dismissive, and scared to commit.

 

Studies have consistently shown how people with undiagnosed personality disorders, including borderline, narcissistic, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders often have unfulfilling relationships.

 

In a review by Kasalova and colleagues, it was established that people with personality disorders have substantial problems with starting and maintaining a relationship with their partner. They suggest how important it is to understand personality traits to assess the dynamics of such people's relationships. 

 

With the help of many experts providing personalitydisorder treatment in India, you can start your healing journey. In therapy at Coach For Mind, with the help of experienced professionals, you can change those damaging patterns and have meaningful, fulfilling, and healthy relationships.

How Therapy Helps

Look at what a trauma informed therapist said to a woman with BPD who expressed her concern about how she might be ‘unfixable’:

‘You are not broken and it's not about ‘fixing’. There are certain traits of yours that can do a bit of work. With consistent therapeutic engagement, will and hope towards working actively towards that change, and gradual learning of adaptive behavioural patterns, you'll be a better version of yourself.’

 

Therapy can help you change maladaptive ways and establish healthy ones through many ways:

• Establishes a secure, reliable relational frame as the therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective emotional experience.
• Enhances ability to understand their own and others’ internal states
• Helps see how past relational trauma is recreated in current relationship
• Promotes self-regulation and impulse control
• Identifies, gently challenges, and reconstructs deeply held, often unconscious beliefs 
• Helps name and communicate their true needs rather than acting out defensive strategies 
• Helps you to integrate different parts of yourself and strengthen sense of self

 

In a quora thread asking for suggestions to have a happy relationship with a partner with BPD, one user shared their experience; “Therapy. Sounds obvious, but without it she'll never master the tools to identify, understand, contextualize, diffuse, prevent, or cope with her feelings….Mental health professionals can help you understand how best to react and support her as well as cope with your own challenges in this kind of a relationship.”