The only good snake is a dead...correction, purse, shoes etc
Confession time! I'm one of those people who has a deathly fear of snakes. If one is in the road, I will swerve to avoid driving over it. I have the paranoid idea that the tires will throw it into the underbody of the car where it will lurk and lie in wait for me to open the door so it can attack.
From my youngest memory I lived with the motto that "the only good snake is a dead snake". Leave it up to the military to change that.....for the worse. My motto is now "the only good snake is a purse, shoes, belt, wallet or any other item you can make from snakeskin.
Funnybones Beware! Tickling Ahead!
It was during one of our regular 45 day "camping trips" that my fear of snakes made itself known in a big way. The 9th Infantry is a "desert" unit. That means we trained and were equipped for desert environments. In an effort to be sure we really understood what desert environment means, arrangements were made to send us to Ft Bliss TX. (note: the only "bliss" we found was on the day we loaded up to go home). Ft Bliss is located in a true desert. Cactus, tumbleweeds, dirt devils and plenty of sand. And one more little creature called a rattlesnake.
Now had we been the only group there, perhaps things would have went along fine. However the Army in its infinite wisdom decided to combine our training mission with Airborne Rangers training mission. The Rangers are made up of men and women who are let's just say one fry short of a Happy Meal. They think it's fun to jump out of perfectly good airplanes while they are flying and trudging through a swamp in water up to their armpits is a nature walk. So they aren't quite right in my book.
As the specialist in charge of Medical Holding for our platoon, My field time was spent pulling guard duty, Playing cards or tending the rare patient who was medically barred from duty but not ill enough for the hospital. Our field time was peaceful and somewhat boring. Leave it up to the "Psychos from Hell" to invade our little camp with a bag of rattle snakes. A 33 gallon Hefty bag over half full of snakes and they were on a mission. Their objective? To secure a scalpel to be used in the skinning of said snakes prior to spitting and roasting them. It was only natural someone would point them in my direction.
Now a Scalpel is something you don't just give out. Especially to people you already believe could use a bit of time on the Psychiatrist's couch. Of course I asked them why they needed it. An explanation was forth coming in the form of "show and tell". I followed the Corporal outside of my cozy little tent. Outside under the camouflage netting were two more psychos with the bag. They were more than happy to show me what was in the bag.
They were not so happy to find themselves tangling in the netting with a panicking medic. The brass were not so happy to order a new camouflage net either. I was very happy since they had to give me a shot of Valium to calm me down enough to cut us all out of the net.
Since that time two things happened. I was given a clinical diagnosis of Herpetophobia (specifically snakes) and dead snakes have made the list of bad snakes too.
From my youngest memory I lived with the motto that "the only good snake is a dead snake". Leave it up to the military to change that.....for the worse. My motto is now "the only good snake is a purse, shoes, belt, wallet or any other item you can make from snakeskin.
Funnybones Beware! Tickling Ahead!
It was during one of our regular 45 day "camping trips" that my fear of snakes made itself known in a big way. The 9th Infantry is a "desert" unit. That means we trained and were equipped for desert environments. In an effort to be sure we really understood what desert environment means, arrangements were made to send us to Ft Bliss TX. (note: the only "bliss" we found was on the day we loaded up to go home). Ft Bliss is located in a true desert. Cactus, tumbleweeds, dirt devils and plenty of sand. And one more little creature called a rattlesnake.
Now had we been the only group there, perhaps things would have went along fine. However the Army in its infinite wisdom decided to combine our training mission with Airborne Rangers training mission. The Rangers are made up of men and women who are let's just say one fry short of a Happy Meal. They think it's fun to jump out of perfectly good airplanes while they are flying and trudging through a swamp in water up to their armpits is a nature walk. So they aren't quite right in my book.
As the specialist in charge of Medical Holding for our platoon, My field time was spent pulling guard duty, Playing cards or tending the rare patient who was medically barred from duty but not ill enough for the hospital. Our field time was peaceful and somewhat boring. Leave it up to the "Psychos from Hell" to invade our little camp with a bag of rattle snakes. A 33 gallon Hefty bag over half full of snakes and they were on a mission. Their objective? To secure a scalpel to be used in the skinning of said snakes prior to spitting and roasting them. It was only natural someone would point them in my direction.
Now a Scalpel is something you don't just give out. Especially to people you already believe could use a bit of time on the Psychiatrist's couch. Of course I asked them why they needed it. An explanation was forth coming in the form of "show and tell". I followed the Corporal outside of my cozy little tent. Outside under the camouflage netting were two more psychos with the bag. They were more than happy to show me what was in the bag.
They were not so happy to find themselves tangling in the netting with a panicking medic. The brass were not so happy to order a new camouflage net either. I was very happy since they had to give me a shot of Valium to calm me down enough to cut us all out of the net.
Since that time two things happened. I was given a clinical diagnosis of Herpetophobia (specifically snakes) and dead snakes have made the list of bad snakes too.
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Comments (53)
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
It's hiding there so that BAFF Doesn't destroy it lol!
Allen Wu1
Thanks for sharing it to us ! merry christmas !
Jean DAndrea7
Retired
No BAFF didn't, I'm afraid, Cheryl. I have a large and very rich fruitcake sitting on the top of my fridge. It's delicious! LOL
Merry Christmas
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
Merry Christmas Jean!
Yes he's very pretty and very nice and obedient, he stays curled up on the headboard of my bed.
At least I didn't see any bad snakes this year and believe it or not I haven't seen your buddy the evil Fruitcake either. Looks Like BAFF Won the war!
Jean DAndrea7
Retired
Hi Cheryl,
Just re-read this blog, and it's still funny!
By the way, I still have my 4 pythons, but they're not
as pretty as a pink plush rattlesnake. :-)
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
Thanks for dropping by and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Allen Wu1
very great ,I like your post !
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
Nope a snake is a snake! However I am Improving I now have an absolutely adorable pink "rattlesnake with felt fangs and a baby rattle in his tail. Now that's a GOOD snake. A Plush toy snake.
I'll have to blog about the Rangers open house days I used to go to in Florida.
Dawie Bezuidenhout11
Systems Engineer I.T.
Hi Cheryl, great story once again.
Best you stay away from the African Bush, you will be on valuim the whole time.
My mother shares your fear for snakes, even tiny little garden snakes that's completely harmless, i think the snakes get a bigger fright than her when she discovers one in the garden by the way she screams.
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
The only way my unit would have won a battle is if the enemy died laughing!
Philippe Moisan16
Tutorial videos, sci-fi writer
LOL ROFL LMAO
Cheryl, you should talk to a publisher. Or take all your stories like this one and approach Amazon.
This is hilarious ! You have a talent for comic writing, IMHO.
Is there place somewhere here where I can find all those funny stories you wrote ? I will put them in my IM blog, in a "let's laugh" page. :)
Jean DAndrea7
Retired
Hi Peaceful,
Yes, I know you do, that's why I said it with a :-)
Don't mind people farming animals of any variety, so long as they aren't
endangered species, and everything is used. I like leather, after all.
And when my snakes shed, I've used the skins too.
Do love the slithery wriggly things a lot - great pets! :-)
Jean
Jennifer Underwood11
Promoter
My mom use to sell eel skin purses and wallets when I was a little girl, and we lived in Hawaii. In school in Hawaii..they taught you a lot of about the 'oceans' animals...since the ocean was such a popular place there...'duh'
Any how...I had learned that eels would shock you. I then went home and started throwing away all my moms purses and wallets. She was so upset and asked me what I was doing...and I told her that if they got wet they were gonna shock her and who ever bought them. I didn
Jeff Greene8
Online Marketing Specialist/Consultant
Hey Snakesmum, I don't want ANYBODY to hurt your snakes, I love 'em remember? :)
Most "Snakeskin" shoes these days are faked, anyway... And the upscale shoes that use real snake skin get theirs from purveyers of non-endangered species, and the whole snake is used... The flesh for restaurants, and the skin for clothing accessories and shoes.
There surely are some unscrupulous Humans out there who violate these principals, that 's why I'll only buy from reputable companies, like Versace..
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
At least we left the Airborne Rangers alone. Probably because we're all afraid of them breaking in our homes with Hefty bags full of snakes!
Jean DAndrea7
Retired
Hey Peaceful, you ain't gettin my snakes, so there! :-)
Jeff Greene8
Online Marketing Specialist/Consultant
In case anyone is interested, my shoe size is an eleven and a half... I happen to like Versace snake skin shoes, and I will accept any color, as long as it's black... Versace brand is optional, but will win you extra "points" and a dozen roses, plus a bottle of premium champagne for your Holidays...
Please see link below for a reference point to Versace Men's Shoes:
http://tinyurl.com/2vo3fe
And for those of you ladies who probably would get a kick out if knowing just what us guys ar
Wendy7
ROFLMAO
I am still laughing Started at the beginning of this post and you guys had tears running down eyes
OMG
Fried Pickles, Crunchy snakes, Oompa Loopha something, skinned purses and shoe. Talking shows and bad hosts.
Lollipop factories and guilded Chocolate
What is the world coming to
Oh my poor befuddled pea brain LOL ahahahahahha
Wendy
Cheryl Baumgartner12
Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
I actually feel for that lady. I'm trying to figure out how the Tech could have forgotten she was in there. She had to be rescued by the janitor in the wee hours of the morning.
Jean DAndrea7
Retired
Cheryl, stop that! I'm shuddering already. :-) Aaarrrgggghhhhh