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Over the years I have been sent a lot of jokes in emails from friends and family, and I have collected them, and they have made me laugh, so I thought I would share them with you, as laughter is still the best medicine that I know off.
They are all quite tasteful some are a little near the knuckle but not obscene just use your own imagination, also I have animated jokes that you will get from time to time, I hope you will like these jokes as much as I do.
There are a couple of examples on the site to read.
When you get to the website just sign up this is a double optin system, so just follow it along, an NO I am not going to use your email address's for advertising, all it does is send a joke a week to your e-mail box.
So why not try it out you can unsubscribe at any time.
Here is your link.
Find Out More Here
Have a good giggle.
John Helyar.
P.S I thought I would add one of my favorite joke hope I don't get told to leave.
=======================================================
Love letters
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
=======================================================
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a ?500 if you let me have sex with you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for ?1000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!
===================================================
One For The Bikers Amongst You ....
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Harley.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle and said, yes what is it?.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc tell me, look at this engine. I can open it up, take parts and valves out,
fix'em, or put in new parts and when I've finished, this engine will work just like a new one again. So how come I get paid a pittance compared to you, and you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused momentarily, smiled and said, "Try doing it while it's running."
=================================================
Do you remember this, all the fun you had, I can.
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because......
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounder's, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).
=====================================================
Don't forget there are more at Johns Jokes
Find Out More Here
They are all quite tasteful some are a little near the knuckle but not obscene just use your own imagination, also I have animated jokes that you will get from time to time, I hope you will like these jokes as much as I do.
There are a couple of examples on the site to read.
When you get to the website just sign up this is a double optin system, so just follow it along, an NO I am not going to use your email address's for advertising, all it does is send a joke a week to your e-mail box.
So why not try it out you can unsubscribe at any time.
Here is your link.
Find Out More Here
Have a good giggle.
John Helyar.
P.S I thought I would add one of my favorite joke hope I don't get told to leave.
=======================================================
Love letters
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
=======================================================
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a ?500 if you let me have sex with you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for ?1000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!
===================================================
One For The Bikers Amongst You ....
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Harley.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle and said, yes what is it?.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So, Doc tell me, look at this engine. I can open it up, take parts and valves out,
fix'em, or put in new parts and when I've finished, this engine will work just like a new one again. So how come I get paid a pittance compared to you, and you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused momentarily, smiled and said, "Try doing it while it's running."
=================================================
Do you remember this, all the fun you had, I can.
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because......
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounder's, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).
=====================================================
Don't forget there are more at Johns Jokes
Find Out More Here
