THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

I was thinking about that interesting saying, "The benefit of the doubt," and I decided to look it up on the Internet. The Urban Dictionary defines it this way: "When giving someone the benefit of the doubt, you are believing what they say and taking their word because you, yourself, have some doubt about what happened."

The concept of giving or not giving the benefit of the doubt is very important when it comes to relationships.

For example, Samantha, 28, wanted to meet Mr. Right. She was ready to get married and have a family. When she met handsome, charming and highly intelligent Gary, she thought she had found the right person. But within a few weeks, Gary started coming late to their dates. He always had an excuse, so Samantha gave him the benefit of the doubt. In addition, he started to be very critical of her -- of her looks and of things she said. When she spoke up about it, he told her he was just joking, that she shouldn't be so serious and sensitive, and that he loved her. Gary was very affectionate and she loved cuddling with him, so again she gave him the benefit of the doubt.

A year into the relationship, Samantha was miserable. Gary clearly had a deep fear of intimacy and found many ways of pushing her away. The signs were there from the beginning, but Samantha had ignored them, preferring to give him the benefit of the doubt. This was one of those situations where she should have listened closely to her inner knowing instead.

Conversely, Richard was dismayed when Christina kept canceling their second date, stating that her mother was ill and she needed to attend to her. He didn't know her very well yet and wasn't sure he could believe that this was the reason she kept canceling. However, he gave her the benefit of the doubt and discovered that she was telling the truth. Once her mother was well again, Christina turned out to be a wonderful person and ready for a relationship. Richard and Christina eventually got married.

So when is it wise to give the benefit of the doubt and when is it not?

The rule of thumb that I encourage my clients to follow is to initially give a person the benefit of the doubt. But if the same thing keeps happening a number of times -- like chronic lateness or being overly critical, then trust your inner knowing about the person and disengage from him or her before becoming more involved. Trust the early signs of someone being resistant and fearful of intimacy -- of using lateness, a judgmental attitude and emotional distance to push you away.

If you feel that something isn’t quite right, it’s probably the case. Learn to trust your intuition, at least enough to share your feelings with the other person.

Dhyan Summers, MA is the Director of Expat Counseling and Coaching Services, providing counseling and coaching services to people around the world using Skype. If you’d like to book a free 30 minute session, visit www.expatcounselingandcoaching.com.