Chapter Spotlight: Every Woman's Dream Was Not Mine, in "Grow in the Dark" by Amy Love

Marriage had never been part of Love's life plan until meeting Gray. "Throughout my entire life, marriage itself hadn't even entered my thoughts, and the idea of wearing a white wedding gown and being the focal point of a celebration to declare my love for the man I was committed to spending my life with had never crossed my mind," she reveals. The impact of her parents' unhappy marriage created deep resistance to the institution itself.

The wedding day arrived without traditional fanfare. "The 'big day' was devoid of elaborate plans; the only arrangement was his appointment with the courthouse to formalize our marriage," Love recalls. "There was no white dress, no makeup, no manicured nails, no family, no bridesmaids or groomsmen, and no guests present." Instead of wedding preparations, she focused on caring for their four-month-old son before donning a simple blue suit.

Their intimate ceremony included only five people: the couple, their baby, and two Scottish witnesses—a coworker and his wife whom Love barely knew. As they entered the Texas courthouse, anxiety overwhelmed her. "I could sense a strong resistance tangling with a resounding voice in my mind which screamed, 'You're not prepared for this—mentally, emotionally, or even in terms of your English language skills.'"

Despite logical reasons for marriage—"it logically made sense to marry this man who willing moved overseas for me, who I shared a boy with, and who would provide me a stable life free of worries"—Love felt torn. Her imperfect English and memories of her parents' toxic marriage served as warning signals.

The ceremony itself became an ordeal of linguistic struggle. "The judge prompted me to repeat words that sounded foreign to my ears. The script and his accent were unfamiliar to me, like an alien trying to communicate with me, and I struggled with both pronunciation and comprehension." Her attempts to echo the judge's words resulted in "a mere string of disjointed sounds."

The pressure mounted under scrutiny: "All eyes in the room were on me, time appeared to be frozen, and a wave of nausea washed over my head. I wished I could just disappear magically, fade into the background, and vanish from the room where I was scrutinized with an unappealing gaze from almost everyone in the room."

Love felt judged by onlookers, sensing their unspoken thoughts: "I imagined that I was likely being classified as one of those stereotypical Asian women marrying for citizenship or financial gain, paired with an 'older Western man with graying hair.'" The experience left her wishing "it was just a nightmare that never happened in my reality."

After a brief celebratory dinner with the witnesses, they returned to normal life. "He focused on work, and I immersed myself in the role of being a mother, navigating a new and unfamiliar world that didn't seem to extend a welcoming embrace." The day meant to be special became "tinged with embarrassment and disillusionment."

The Turkish proverb "One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people" took on painful meaning as Love struggled to bridge linguistic and cultural gaps on her wedding day. What should have been a dream come true became "one of the most remarkable and unforgettable days for me—but in a totally opposite way."

Discover more stories of cultural adaptation and personal transformation in "Grow in the Dark" by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google,  iTunes & Kobo.