Our loved ones never forgotten

 

Christmas time.........I wish everyone Merry Christmas, this is a special  blog

       For Those who would like to follow me, you are welcome, it is a time of the year where

we are to be happy and joyous!, but this blog is for those who hurt for the loved ones that will

not be with us this year, my daughter will not be here with us this year, but I will

celebrate her life in her knew home, she is happy now, it has been 6 months since we lost her

it does not matter how we lost our loved ones, to us they are loved, to us they matter and to

us they left us with a  whole in our hearts, these blessings go out to all the babies, grandmas

daughters sons grandpas that have passed this year,  what ever your faith is we all know our

loved ones are safe and they are in a better place,  I miss her so much----when I remeber her

as a baby, I can see her smile her happy personality as she grew I see how she became a

beautiful daughter  who filled my life with joy, I  remember every stepping stone of her life

for those who are hurting like me it helps to remember the good things about your loved one

when I join a blog that talks about loved ones who have left this world, I feel I am not alone

many times I feel like something is missing---part of us will always feel like we are not the 

same as when our loved ones are still with us, it is true, we will never be the same, we

have to come to terms with there death....I am not sure  I am not there yet....I have

my daughters room stil the same, her clothes are there just the way she left it, I  can not

get rid of her clothes yet, I still have a scent of her in her room, it comforts me, but I know

I must move on, I have her memories in my heart,, our loved ones will live on in our hearts

nervous break down, I felt so alone and I with drew from everything and everybody, I heard

voices and it scared me it was a mans voice, I heard him about three times, I remember he told

me to move on and he said it loud, I thought I was loosing it, your mind can play tricks on you

it was stress, hurt, abondonment and pain it manifested in my mind and it was very sacrry I

knew  she died a violent way, I kept having dreams of her calling for help and I was not there

to protect her it was like preasure, I felt over whelmed I could not sleep, I was helpless and 

that is when I started to here this mans voice each time he had a angry voice and each time I

ran and I got myself around people, I felt better, I did not seclude myself anymore and than

I stopped hereing his voice I can not explain it your mind is evil if you let stress take you down

when my daughter died and the way she died, I stopped living my other kids felt is we were a

very close family, but as I saw my situation. I got deeper and deeper in depression I di that for

so long that the sress,sadness, all went to my mind I was worn out during my daughters

services I did not cry, I held it up and kept it in I had to for my childrens sake, than after we

burried her, I broke down, with all the wierd things happening to me I told everyone I was ok

and I guess they believed me and left me alone, my desperation to see my daughter again

was over whelming, I started to here the mans voice, I started to feel dizzy at that time I

wanrted to see my daughter again, I smelled her clothes, I touched her pictures and I even

saw her a couple of times I was very afraid, if I would have let my mind take control of me

I would be locked away, my daughter died in a very bad way there was no closure and today

it is still not solvedI feel like I can not go on start feeling like I was going to lose it

I put myself around people I did not seclude myself In my room, I still had a family to take care

of I had children thatneeded me, but during that time I did not care, I kept saying why don't

we get a closure to my daughters death,death, I can not explain the pain  I did not know how

 to react it was shock, it was denial, my stomach urt so bad it was a feeling like I wanted to run, I wanted to hit someone, I wanted to find herI wanted to touch her and most of al

 thought I was from another planet it was so un-realI thought my purpose did not matter and my existence did not matter even though I had a

family, I could not feel it AI could not feel anything I was numb, when I think back I know I

had a mini breakdown, but I did not tell anyone my baby was gone and was not come

back, today when I think about it I must have had God with me, he is real, and he saved me

at that time, my time was not up, so I thank him that he left me to take care of my family

I am still scarred of what I do not know? death is so fiinnal to me, I had to read books, read

the bible and fins strength in the lord and that is the time I really reached out to God and now

it was the only time I reached out to anyone because I was very to myself---afraid to get close

to anybody, but God has away of making you strong and he makes you go forward, that day

I grew so much and ;that my daughter was doing her job and her job was to show me that

there was somone bigger than me and there was someone watching over me I get it now

she was given to me for a purpose that purpose was to teach me to forgive---and she taught

me to feel love for the very first time in my life, to really love someone with out this experience

I would have still felt self pity and I felt like I played the victim what a lesson I learned that day

 my daughter was much more than just a daughter,  I said I never felt love the

real love, it was robed from me but that day, I knewI could love and be loved, it was

like I popped out of my shell and she left me with the satisfaction, mom I am going home

but you will be ok, because God wanted to show you that he loves you very much because

he took your daughter home, what else could he do to prove he loved me it is when

I thought of my daughters death this way,  my life started to change, from dark to light