Bless the Breasts and the Children (Humor)
Bless the Breasts and the Children
By Kim Burke-Gigstad
I am a thirty-five year old woman who has not had a child in thirteen years. For the most part, the days go by complacently with the biggest catastrophe being, will we watch a great movie tonight or will I sneak away and write?
Three days ago, I brought my sister and her newborn son home from the hospital to stay with us. Three days ago, my life changed irrevocably and I do not know who I am anymore.
I have learned I can function without food or long stretches of sleep. I lost eighty pounds in two days and the tune "Kim, Will you Do me a Favor" has become the number one song in our house.
The highlight of my day is running errands with my sister while she is nursing the baby. Most women would wear an easy-to-access shirt over pants. Yesterday, my sister wore a sundress. While driving, my sister pulled the dress up to her neck to nurse. This is fine as she is my sister after all. However, a few minutes later the neighborhood ice cream man drove up beside us, complete with kiddies' music blaring from the speakers. For the first time in my life, I witnessed the ice cream man slowing down. All that time as a kid, running top speed to catch up, all I had to do was flash a boob picture in the air. The ice cream man would have come to a screeching halt AND we could have traded products.
Hauling groceries from the car in 100-degree weather isn't suitable for neither man nor woman. Yet I do believe the dog, and I say dog because there is a lot of panting and howling involved, which hauls in the food shouldn't lift a finger to put the food away. I didn't say this is actually the case. It never is but it should be a rule.
These days I go for long stretches of time without thinking, which pleases my husband. I used to have deep thoughts, wondrous considerations and interesting what-if ideas. It now takes me five minutes to realize I'm staring out the window and another five minutes to figure out if the sun is shining or not.
In one twelve-hour period, my sister went through a roll of toilet paper. How is this possible? What’s going on? Did some of it get lost? WHAT HAPPENED?
My counter tops, which were once filled with decorative items, are now storage for forty plastic bottles and tops. I have never seen so many nipples in all my life. My new hobbies are seeing how many times a day I can bag up garbage, run the dishwasher, wash and dry clothes, run around the house not remembering what I am actually doing, toting a bottle of 409 around as a hand weight, see how long I can walk in a straight line across the kitchen floor while rocking the baby back and forth in my arms without falling down and killing us both and, finally, eating an entire meal in twenty-five seconds.
Yesterday, my sister was concerned about my behavior in Wal-Mart. Apparently, some women love to go shopping and chitchat with strangers while they have a four-day old baby in tow with the day in a chaotic mess.
NOT ME!
I would rather pull hang nails out of my toes for five hours straight than have to maneuver a basket through the zoned-out masses. I'd rather clean my house, including all the backyard dog poop, than go shopping. She loves Wal-Mart. Every time I am there I want to shove my basket into the nearest, biggest hiney I can find. Oh, I would never do it. I simply grin and politely say, “Excuse me.†The fact that my face has turned three sheets of red and I’m chewing off my fingernails like they’re a midnight snack means absolutely nothing.
A bumper sticker marked 'Socially-Challenged' may be appropriate.
I used to think medications such as Prozac were bad and made you crazy. I now think Prozac, and a long list of other medications, could set me free. Even when it is quiet it's not enjoyable because I sit and wonder how long it will last, thus ruining the moment completely.
I'm tired, happy, crazy, emotionally over-wrought and spaced-out. Thank you Starz movie channels for seeing me through these exhausting days and Don Juan's salsa for providing the only spicy nights I can have at the moment.
By Kim Burke-Gigstad
I am a thirty-five year old woman who has not had a child in thirteen years. For the most part, the days go by complacently with the biggest catastrophe being, will we watch a great movie tonight or will I sneak away and write?
Three days ago, I brought my sister and her newborn son home from the hospital to stay with us. Three days ago, my life changed irrevocably and I do not know who I am anymore.
I have learned I can function without food or long stretches of sleep. I lost eighty pounds in two days and the tune "Kim, Will you Do me a Favor" has become the number one song in our house.
The highlight of my day is running errands with my sister while she is nursing the baby. Most women would wear an easy-to-access shirt over pants. Yesterday, my sister wore a sundress. While driving, my sister pulled the dress up to her neck to nurse. This is fine as she is my sister after all. However, a few minutes later the neighborhood ice cream man drove up beside us, complete with kiddies' music blaring from the speakers. For the first time in my life, I witnessed the ice cream man slowing down. All that time as a kid, running top speed to catch up, all I had to do was flash a boob picture in the air. The ice cream man would have come to a screeching halt AND we could have traded products.
Hauling groceries from the car in 100-degree weather isn't suitable for neither man nor woman. Yet I do believe the dog, and I say dog because there is a lot of panting and howling involved, which hauls in the food shouldn't lift a finger to put the food away. I didn't say this is actually the case. It never is but it should be a rule.
These days I go for long stretches of time without thinking, which pleases my husband. I used to have deep thoughts, wondrous considerations and interesting what-if ideas. It now takes me five minutes to realize I'm staring out the window and another five minutes to figure out if the sun is shining or not.
In one twelve-hour period, my sister went through a roll of toilet paper. How is this possible? What’s going on? Did some of it get lost? WHAT HAPPENED?
My counter tops, which were once filled with decorative items, are now storage for forty plastic bottles and tops. I have never seen so many nipples in all my life. My new hobbies are seeing how many times a day I can bag up garbage, run the dishwasher, wash and dry clothes, run around the house not remembering what I am actually doing, toting a bottle of 409 around as a hand weight, see how long I can walk in a straight line across the kitchen floor while rocking the baby back and forth in my arms without falling down and killing us both and, finally, eating an entire meal in twenty-five seconds.
Yesterday, my sister was concerned about my behavior in Wal-Mart. Apparently, some women love to go shopping and chitchat with strangers while they have a four-day old baby in tow with the day in a chaotic mess.
NOT ME!
I would rather pull hang nails out of my toes for five hours straight than have to maneuver a basket through the zoned-out masses. I'd rather clean my house, including all the backyard dog poop, than go shopping. She loves Wal-Mart. Every time I am there I want to shove my basket into the nearest, biggest hiney I can find. Oh, I would never do it. I simply grin and politely say, “Excuse me.†The fact that my face has turned three sheets of red and I’m chewing off my fingernails like they’re a midnight snack means absolutely nothing.
A bumper sticker marked 'Socially-Challenged' may be appropriate.
I used to think medications such as Prozac were bad and made you crazy. I now think Prozac, and a long list of other medications, could set me free. Even when it is quiet it's not enjoyable because I sit and wonder how long it will last, thus ruining the moment completely.
I'm tired, happy, crazy, emotionally over-wrought and spaced-out. Thank you Starz movie channels for seeing me through these exhausting days and Don Juan's salsa for providing the only spicy nights I can have at the moment.
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Comments (1)
Valerie Hasara15
Marketing, Web Designer, Owner
made me smile