What words first come into your mind when you realize Valentine's Day is around the corner? Intimate, Sexy, Passionate, Loving? As a couple's therapist for many years, I know that Valentine's Day can be hazardous for couples. For many, February 14 conjures up panic, dread, and fear. If you are already in love or on your way to an intimate relationship, Valentine's Day is a great opportunity to show your appreciation and love in small but thoughtful ways.

Karen, 29, a smart, independent woman was head over heels for Greg, 33, a banker in her town. Their relationship had all the makings of real intimacy as they became lovers and friends. They spent their weekends together, knew and like each others friends as friends and lovers, and were beginning to understand each others vulnerabilities. But they were still in the "romantic" phase of the relationship because they had avoided all confrontations. When Karen had the flu he did not call "enough" to see how she was and never stopped by with some orange juice and snacks. When Greg invited Karen to an important dinner with his boss she was too quiet and not "interesting" enough. But neither one knew these disappointments were brewing. There was a good chance that their relationship would grow and that they would get past these obstacles as they trusted each other more with their feelings and learned ways to communicate better.

Enter Valentine's Day! As many women, Karen set her sights high -- she fantasized about a romantic dinner at a charming, intimate restaurant a few towns away. (He didn't even know it existed!) Flowers waiting for her at her apartment as she was waking up. (What?) She even thought that he might do a little scavenger hunt for small gifts hidden in her apartment! (Duh!) In other words, her expectations were way off and unrealistic.

In the meanwhile she got them tickets to an off-Broadway play in NY and had bought herself some new sexy lingerie. Right on!

Greg, meanwhile was scratching his head. He loved Karen but asked the age-old question: "What do women really want?" While walking around the local mall he passed by the jewelry shops and the department stores. He fingered handbags and scarves; he looked at lingerie ("too obvious" he thought). Then he saw a funky hat that he thought she would look great in and without a second thought he bought it. He was proud of his decision --- how whimsical and fun! He pictured her wearing it at the beach that next summer. He made reservations at a cozy restaurant in the neighborhood that they both loved.

How do you think Valentine's Day went? Well, Karen was very disappointed. She initially perceived his gift as "not enough". She tried to hide her disappointment until he told her how he picked it. She realized that his gift reflected a choice for her, not for some generic lover and this enabled her to lean over and give him a big hug for his thoughtfulness. And Greg was thrilled with her gift and also pleased that she appreciated that he was thinking of her and her alone when he bought the hat (whew!)

What is the moral of the story?

Valentine's Day is just a day --- it is not the definition of your relationship. Make it small and special!

Rein in your fantasies.

Appreciate the unexpected.

Show your love and appreciation of your partner daily - don't save it for Valentine's Day!

Don't break the bank with presents.

Make love not war!

Shayatareazam daily update Valentine day SMS And Shayari.