Ian Begg   Marketer, Engineer
A truck load of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.


Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then
made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police
came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Jul 19th 2010 13:23