There are 3 different parts or entities to a marriage, not 2, which is the commonly held belief. There is you, there is your spouse and there is the marriage itself. It's critically important to understand the differences so you, you're spouse and those closest to you won't suffer needless pain. The marriage is a team with it's own set of characteristics and requirements to prevent it from breaking down.

But why do these distinctions matter so much?

1. They matter because in order for a marriage to grow and get stronger, (a marriage is a team remember), it needs to become a top priority for the married couple. They need to put the marriage first.

2. One of the most common reasons for marital breakdown is that all kinds of things like children, work, in-laws, hobbies and friends, end up getting a higher billing on the list of the priorities for each spouse. What couples are consistently shocked by is the amount of...I'm about to say a four letter word...work, that is involved in being married and making things work smoothly. (I said that four letter word again...sorry.)

There is a belief that building a marriage should just happen naturally, but consider a couple things if you will.

Both spouses are different people, and with those differences comes potential friction regarding all kinds of things like, what colour to paint the house, how to save money or what's acceptable for the kids to watch for TV shows.

Add to that, the fact that both spouses were brought up in different households by different parents who had their own sets of rules about, cleanliness of the house, meal times and where to vacation.

Put the marriage first. Consider how your actions will impact your marriage.

For example, if a do my part to help keep the house clean, it can reduce the workload my wife has and therefore give the two of us more time to spend together. One of the top complaints married women have regarding their marriage has to do with the division of house chores. Most female standards for cleanliness are far higher than the typical male standards. I need to bring up my standards, to consider my wife's positon, so the home will be a more peaceful place to be.

If my wife makes sure to get enough regular exercise, our marriage is healthier because I'm not required to overcompensate for her emotional fatigue that results from her lack of physical activity.

The same goes for things like diet. If I'm flippant about what I put in my mouth and therefore more prone to sickness, this puts an extra burden on my wife that could be avoided if I was to consider the long term effect my actions have on others close to me.

Put the marriage first. If you have children, the ideal thing you can provide them is a set of parents that are committed to making the marriage work. Commitment to the marriage means setting aside time to talk about the relationship, making plans and negotiating workable agreements. Planning is an on-going process that each of you need to be patient with. Many of patterns of conduct that exist in your marriage have existed for quite a while, so it's going to take a bit of time for new and better habit patterns to develop.

Put the marriage first. To anyone who has been paying attention...men and women have very different needs regarding sex. The male minimum for sex is 2 times a week, preferably 3. The typical female's desire for sex is not nearly this high. That being said, at the core of a male's commitment to his wife is the promise of regular sex. When a man makes a commitment to be faithful to his wife, the foundation of this commitment is sexual. To prevent a marriage relationship from breaking down, schedule regular sex for your man. He doesn't care if it's planned, he needs to know his wife loves and accepts him as a man, and one of his primary means of getting this message is through sex with his wife.

In closing, pay attention to what different teams do to grow and get stronger. These could be work teams, sports teams or marriage teams.

Good teams chart a course regarding what they want collectively to accomplish. Although each member of a productive team is responsible for their own personal outcomes, they know it's important to acheive both individual and team goals.

Put the marriage first.