Some Actual (US Federal) Employee Performance Evaluations

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet" "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" "He would argue with a signpost" "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens" "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"