Why Do I Love Being Sad

Depression is a dark deep abyss. Depression is a loss of control. Depression is dark. It's the only way to describe the feeling of being depressed. Many people prefer to compare depression with sadness. It's easy to spot the link but I can say that the time I was depressed, I didn't feel any sadness. There were none of my emotions. Depression kept me from feeling any emotions.

The truth is, I'm not certain the reason why my depression diminished. I was just trying to live a normal life with my normal routines of school, work, and with my family. Slowly I felt increasingly depressed until finally I was convinced that I'm not suffering from depression no more. But, it was a 3-4 year period that began in high school and continued until college. There is no quick fix this is a long and tiring road that requires constant work. If people ask me what I am depressed about, the sole answer I have is " that period has been a very dark time in my life."

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While I'm aware that I'm no longer depressed, however, it's evident to me that there are remnants of it in me. Depression is a monster within me, which I've contained however it's waiting to break free and become the dominant force. If I ever lose a bit of faith, I feel the cage weakening. Each time I am faced with a situation that seems impossible, I can see the beast's eyes glisten in anticipation of breaking out. Every negative thought sharpens the beast's claws.

The demon which is inside me is a scourge however, I have used this to benefit myself. When I consider losing hope, I realize that there's something in me that is waiting for the chance to gain control. When I am unable to hold a sliver of faith, this demon reminds me that I am the most dangerous adversary. The essence of depression is a reminder not to give up on life. It motivates me to strive to be the best I can be for myself since anything less than that can lead me to relapse back into depression.

Contrary to what it may sound like, depression isn't my sole source of identity, but it has a significant impact on the majority of my decisions and actions. To fully understand this think about the fact that physical and mental diseases aren't any different (I've been through both, I can tell that.) Both are likely to be debilitating, painful, and even life-changing.

 If someone is hit with a serious injury to their body, it can alter how they live their lives and their perception of life. For instance, when someone hurts the lower back when lifting something heavy, in the near future they'll be aware of how to avoid this type of injury again. 

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If the lower back pain is persistent the person will alter his lifestyle to alleviate the discomfort. Mental illness isn't any different. After I had been diagnosed I was able to live my life in a way that does not cause it.

 I'll eliminate the negative influencers in my life. I'll make myself self-confident, and do my best to reach my goals. Like someone who wouldn't take their back injury lightly and I wouldn't consider my depression lightly.