What Really Happens At Bachelor Parties

All men sign a secret oath that forbid us from telling anyone what happens at bachelor parties. In my experience, that oath doesn’t protect us from the jealous rages of our soon-to-be-spouses. Instead, it protects from a legacy of so-so parties that can’t possibly match the events we have in our heads.

Let’s Get Them out of the Way: Strippers

Do bachelor parties include strippers? Sometimes. Most of the men that I know, however, say that they don’t want anything to do with strippers or strip clubs. Some guys love it, and they drag their friends to some disgusting hole in the wall where we feel like dupes for spending $8 on domestic beers and sad sacks for tossing dollars onto stages that, quite honestly, we’d rather not sit at.

So, ladies, to answer your question as honestly as possible: sometimes we go see strippers and sometimes we pay strippers to come see us. The vast majority of the men I know, however, feel that it’s an obligation rather than a pleasure. She’s dancing in the living room to three weirdoes (were those guys even invited) and we’re doing keg stands in the kitchen.

Which Leads Us to the Second Thing: Booze

Women are barred from bachelor parties for two reasons. One, we’re going to make sexist jokes. We don’t really mean them and those of us with any decency will never say them in front of you. Two, we’re going to be so drunk that we don’t want you to see us.

Even men who don’t think of themselves as particularly manly don’t like the idea that their girlfriends and wives will have to care for them during bouts of extreme intoxication. We saw the way our college girlfriends looked at us after we got too drunk to stand up in front of the toilet. That’s not a look we care to see again anytime soon. So we sequester ourselves away from women and we pretend that we can drink like teenagers again.

So when we wake up next to you after a bachelor party, and we smell like baby powder, skunked beer, and ten types of cheap liquor, cut us some slack. Last night wasn’t as awesome for us as you think it was. And the morning is a reminder that teenage boys act like teenage boys because they don’t get hangovers that, somehow, last the entire weekend.

Yep. That’s a bachelor party for you.

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Created on Dec 5th 2018 13:29. Viewed 476 times.

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