Tell Me About It: Rush into marriage none of big sister's business

Question: My (much) younger sister's boyfriend is planning to propose on her 21st birthday. I am horrified. My sister still has a year left of college. Neither one has ever lived independently - both are living with their parents in our small hometown. The boyfriend, while he has a college degree, only recently took his first salaried job - certainly not a job anyone would want to make into a career. His mom pressured him into immediately buying a condo locally.

Now, I realize everyone has a right to live his or her own life, and the chances of my changing things are slight, but I feel that, as the older sister, I need to have a heart-to-heart with my sister. There is so much to see of life and no rush to get married.

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I've already given my opinion to the boyfriend, who further convinced me of his immaturity by saying, "Marriage will just be changing the title on our relationship." My mom told me to back off, but I think she has empty-nest syndrome and grandbaby fever. Do I have a right/obligation to give my opinion to my sister?

Answer: You have a powerful obligation to bite your tongue. So I'm solidly with your mom here, despite having zero investment in your family's next generation.

This is your sister's business. It's her moment to enjoy (or suffer) and her decision to make.

When your sister seeks your opinion, then you can offer it. Don't worry if she doesn't ask explicitly; it will be all over your face, body language, sleeve, and maybe a few other articles of clothing.

There are risks to having such strong opinions. Though I feel as you do about rushing marriage, I'm also humbled every day by the complexity of outcomes in life. Even if your sister does say yes (she might not), and even if she does go through with the wedding (she might not), and even if the marriage does fail (it might not), it may end in such a way that matures her, awakens something in her, allows her to notice and appreciate someone really good for her.

Your sister will have to find her way. If you must caution her - once - do so knowing that mistakes can weather into blessings, just as that perfect person who marries at just the right time in the perfect arc of life can get hit by a bus.

Comment: I married too young, to the wrong person, and wound up divorced three years later.

Only one friend asked whether I was sure about what I was doing. I wasn't hurt by her question and went ahead with the wedding anyhow. That same friend was abundantly there for me three years later.

You can bring up concerns, if it's done in a loving way vs. with butt-clenching, withering disapproval. But you also have to recognize that people make their own mistakes, and, as family, you'll have to be there for her either way.

Answer: Well said, and I don't just mean the "butt-clenching, withering disapproval," which is now in my lexicon. And though the writer may be there for her sister, showing such disapproval now may teach the sister to look elsewhere for support.

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