One-Sided Love How to deal with it?

Ever had a crush on a celebrity who had no idea you existed? Lingering feelings for an ex after breaking up? Or maybe you fell deeply in love with a close friend but kept your feelings secret.

These experiences describe unrequited love or love that isn’t mutual. If your feelings don’t deepen much past a severe crash, you might not feel too distressed by them. But the pain of one-sided love can linger when you genuinely love someone.

What are the different types?

At some point in life, you’ve probably had at least one romantic interest who didn’t feel the same way. Unfortunately, this is a pretty universal experience. But it isn’t the only way to experience unrequited love.

Unrequited love can show up in a variety of ways. These some common types:

The desire for someone unavailable pining for a person who doesn’t have similar feelings mutual feelings between people involved in other relationships lingering feelings for an ex after a breakup

Unrequited love can also happen in casual dating if your feelings become severe but the other person’s interest never deepens.

What are the signs?

Unrequited love can look different across different scenarios. A key sign of unrequited love as “intense longing that spans a significant timeframe and involves little to no reciprocation from your love interest.

Here are some more specific things that might suggest the love isn’t mutual.

Your love interest doesn’t seem interested in progressing the relationship. You want to explore a deeper connection, so you start inviting them to spend more time together. But they keep their distance as you try to get closer. Maybe they call what you see as a date a “hangout,” or they invite other friends to join the intimate evening you planned.

Their lack of interest can also show up in your emotional connection. When you try asking questions about their beliefs and values, they may not offer much in their answers. 

Nor ask you similar questions in return.

They’re slow to reply to invitations, texts, and calls. Feel like you’re doing most of the work to hang out? Maybe they take forever to respond to messages.

Or when you invite them out, they say, “Maybe! I’ll let you know” and don’t confirm until the last minute.

If this pattern persists and they don’t offer any reasons, such as a prior obligation, there may be another explanation for their behavior.

Denying signs, they’re not interested.

No matter how you dice it, unrequited love hurts. To deal with the pain, it’s not unusual to go through a phase of denial.

May be you ignore the more subtle signals you’re getting and choose to focus on how often they:

Hug or touch you casually compliment you confide in you or ask your opinion

But some people are just affectionate and open, which can be confusing when you’re trying to gauge their interest in you.

“Identifying unrequited love requires your ability, to be honest with yourself about what’s going

on.” This involves paying attention to the other person’s signals, even though accepting how they feel might be challenging.

Using what you know about them to get closer

You might find yourself thinking of ways to make yourself more attractive to the other person.

Maybe snowboarding is their favorite hobby, so you suddenly take it up — despite hating both the cold and sports.

Experiencing a lot of unpleasant emotions

Unrequited love often involves a cycle of emotions, according to Stringer.

“This pattern usually begins with hopefulness as you form strategies geared toward igniting a romantic relationship,” she explains. But when these attempts fail, you might be left with “feelings of rejection and accompanying emotions, including sadness, anger, resentment, anxiety, and shame.”

Struggling to get them off your mind

“Unrequited love is usually partnered with a feeling of longing that can begin to take over your emotions and taint reality. Your feelings for the person might come up throughout your day, in different areas of your life.

For example, you might:

Check Facebook to see if they’ve liked your post (or shared anything you can comment on) write letters or texts (that you don’t send) to confess your feelings shop in their neighborhood in hopes of seeing them talk about them often imagine scenarios where you tell them how you feel

Is there any way to deal with it?

It hurts when your feelings aren’t reciprocated. A small study from 2011 suggests rejection activates the same areas in the brain as physical pain. These tips can help you cope with the problem until it lessens.

Talk about it...

A conversation with the other person about how you feel can seem frightening, but it’s often the best way to address the situation.

If you sense some confusing signals, like flirty behavior or affectionate gestures, from the person you’re interested in, talking about those things can help. It’s not always easy to interpret someone’s behavior, so you may not know exactly how they feel unless they tell you.

Feel too overwhelming? It’s also perfectly acceptable to talk to a trusted friend about what you’re going through. Sometimes, just getting these feelings off your chest can offer relief.

...but don’t linger

You confess your love for a friend, but they reject you. You’re hurt, but you want to remain friends.

The best way to do this is to focus on your friendship.

If they’ve made it clear they aren’t interested in any romantic involvement, drop the romance subject. Continuing to pursue them or hoping they’ll have a change of heart may eventually frustrate them, damage your friendship, and cause you more pain.

But don’t feel like you have to force your friendship right now, either. It’s completely normal to I need space and time to heal.

Feel your feelings...

Unrequited love generally involves a lot of emotions, not all of them negative.

You might feel excited to see the person you love on top of the world when you get to spend time with them and deeply sad when you realize you’ll never have more than their friendship.

Try practicing mindful acceptance of all of these feelings. Accept them as they come up without attaching judgment to them. Just notice them and let them pass. Journaling about them as you see them (even the ones that hurt) can help, too.

...and then distract yourself

All of your feelings are valid, and noticing and accepting them can help you move forward.

But try to maintain some balance, as too much time wallowing can end up making you more miserable. It can help set the feelings aside during the day until you have time and space to address them.

Change your channel

Here are some ways to shift gears:

Try to make extra time where you can for your hobbies, friends, and other enjoyable activities.

Take care of yourself by eating regular meals and staying active.

Treat yourself to something small, whether it’s fresh flowers, a nice meal out, or a new book or movie.

Consider dating casually, once you’re ready, to find a partner who does return your feelings.

Find meaning in the experience.

“It’s not so much about what happens to us in life; it’s more about how we respond to the situation at hand.

You loved someone and wanted to be loved in return. Maybe you didn’t get the outcome you hoped, but that doesn’t mean your love is meaningless. Did you learn something about yourself?

Grow in some way? Develop a stronger friendship with the person?

Rejection can certainly cause pain, but love can also linger and mellow into a different passion that’s more like friendship. It may not seem very comforting now, but someday you might value this friendship even more.

Ask yourself what you want.

“Your feelings are always communicating with you. As you pay attention to the truth of your experience, your feelings can help point you in the right direction.” Maybe your experience taught you more about the kind of person you’re attracted to, for example.

If you keep experiencing unrequited love, it could help consider whether this pattern says something about your needs. Falling in love with people who don’t return your feelings could suggest you feel like you should be in love with someone when you’re happier on your own.

Maybe you don’t want a relationship — there’s nothing wrong with that.

When to get help

Dealing with unrequited love is a valid reason to seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Stringer suggests therapy may be especially helpful if:

You’re unable to stop pursuing the other person after they’ve said they aren’t interested.

You spend so much time thinking about the other person it interferes with your daily life.

Friends and loved ones express concern about your behavior.

If you feel depressed, hopeless, or have thoughts of suicide, it’s best to talk to a trained professional right away.

If you need help now.

If you’re considering suicide or have thoughts of harming yourself, you can call the Substance

Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration at 800-662-HELP (4357).

The 24/7 hotline will connect you with mental health resources in your area. Trained specialists can also help you find your state’s resources for treatment if you don’t have health insurance.

It’s also wise to seek professional help if your feelings lead to potentially problematic behaviors,

such as following the person, waiting around their house or work, or other actions that could seem like stalking.

Being drawn toward one-sided love might also suggest you’re dealing with some emotions. 

Residue or an unhealed past. Therapy can help you address this, which may help clear the way for a mutual attraction.

What if you’re the one who doesn’t feel the same way?

Rejecting someone kindly isn’t always comfortable, especially if you care about the person.

You might even consider trying to date them instead to see what happens. But if you’re sure

you don’t have any romantic interest, this may complicate things for you both.

Here are some tips for navigating this situation gracefully

Avoidance generally doesn’t help

You might want to avoid them until their feelings fade, but this can hurt you both, especially if you’re good friends. Instead, try talking about the situation. This may be slightly uncomfortable, but an honest discussion could help you both move forward.

Take care in how you express your lack of interest. Be honest but kind. Mention things you value about them before explaining why you don’t see the two of you as a couple.

Offer compassion

Chances are, you’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t return them at some point. Think back on how this made you feel. What would’ve helped you at the time?

Even if you haven’t experienced unrequited love, offering kindness until the sting of rejection fades could help the other person take comfort in your existing friendship.

Make your rejection clear

It’s important to say you aren’t interested clearly. You may not want to hurt their feelings with an outright, “I don’t feel that way about you.” But vague or ambiguous refusals could encourage them to keep trying.

Being upfront now can help prevent later pain and frustration for you both.

Try:

“You’re important to me, and I value the time we spend together, but I only see you as a friend.”

“I’m not interested in you romantically, but I want to stay good friends. How can we make that work?”

Avoid saying things like, “You’ll find someone who’s right for you,” or, “I’m no good for you.” These could seem dismissive. They might also inspire reactions like, “Well, how do you know unless we try?”

The bottom line

Unrequited love can be rough for everyone involved, but things will get better with time. If you’re having a hard time, therapy can always offer a safe, judgment-free space to work through your feelings.