'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' for divorced girls

Recently divorced women across America are tuning in to Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce every week to get their healing doses of Divorced in the City. This girl, however, is taking notes, and I’ve learned a thing or two from Abby and her gang of divorcées. It’s a good thing this show isn’t called Girlfriends’ Guide to Marriage.

Here are all the lessons from this week’s episode, “Everything Does NOT Happen for a Reason.”

You’re never too old to be a blushing bride.

Delia is really doubling down on this wedding stuff, and it’s absolutely, positively NOT because she feels guilty for cheating on her husband with her slimy boss.

Oh, wait, yes it is. Delia makes this huge deal about not seeing Gordon before the wedding. She, Jo, and Phoebe are spending her last single night with dick games and Renee Zellweger’s old face, but nothing can cure the acute case of doubts she’s catching.

As far as the wedding, I say, make the most of it. Weddings are fun and are absolutely no indication of how the marriage is going to be (obviously), so live it up. Wear the lacy black bridesmaids dresses, have the Pink Ladies–inspired bachelorette party, drink all the champagne. It’s best to get your money’s worth out of the wedding. Especially if the marriage isn’t looking so good.

Deny and avoid.

Abby is avoiding everything except the gibberish she’s calling a book. She’s dodging Phoebe’s calls, brushing off Barbara’s work concerns, and denying her obvious need for some rest, while generally disconnecting from reality.

This will probably get me in some trouble with you guys, but I’m kind of with Abby on this one. Not in the way she treated Delia, or the way she’s deprioritizing everything for work, but in the way she’s essentially tucking her head in the sand. That’s actually a legitimate tactic that I use all the time. If you ignore it, it goes away, right?

Don’t, under any circumstances, have a breakdown in 2016.

Oh, Abby. That meme of you on the curb. The mean comments under the link calling you a “dumpster whore.” The Harris groupies calling you “his ex—the old one.” It’s a social media nightmare.

Although if you’re going to crack up, you could have picked a better place to lose your shit than the very public Grove, PARTICULARLY in front of Dr. Harris’s book signing. Since everyone has a camera phone and YouTube channel these days, Abby’s private hell is now about as public as it gets.

Let that be a lesson to you. Fall apart safely in the privacy of your own home, like a real woman. Eat your feelings and binge-drink from your own bed, at 2 p.m. on Tuesday, like the rest of us. Hide your crazy, ladies.

My vagina is made of leprechaun gold.

Not that I needed GG2D to tell me, but it’s a fun reminder that we sort of control the universe with our golden P. Ships are launched, wars are fought, and Twitter wars spiral out of control over these magic bits.

Just ask JD, as he’s transformed, with one punch of the V-card, into Phoebe’s devoted follower. A word to the wise: Use your powers for good, ladies.

Set boundaries with your ex.

Attention, Jo. This means DO NOT, under any circumstances, nurse Frumpkis through a bender after his wife leaves him for a tennis pro. And absolutely don’t lie to your smarty-pants daughter about what’s going on. She’s already figured it out anyway.

It’s best to keep exes firmly in the rearview, unless you love a codependent relationship with no healing or closure in sight. If so, then by all means, be my guest.

When your friends are worried about you, you should be too.

You know things are getting bad when Barbara is teaming up with Jo, Three’s Company–style, to break into Abby’s house. But Abby can’t see her own rock bottom, and her friends aren’t convincing her. She thinks she’s fine, but apparently she can’t see that wild look in her own eyes either, and isn’t afraid of the crazy in them.

I understand Abby’s inclination to ask for more instead of asking for help, but if I ever drive straight through a parking barricade, or camp out in a trendy coffee shop all day muttering to myself with a pencil in my hair, somebody please intervene.

Be there for your friends, even if you acted like a dick.

Abby pulls it together long enough to go to Delia’s wedding, but things don’t really get much resolution. Maybe it’s because Abby is too busy shouting her apology at Delia through self-pitying tears, or maybe it’s because Delia has bigger, more cheat-y problems to solve, but things don’t get hashed out quite as they should. At least Abby is around for Delia’s horrible, no good wedding day.

Show up for your girlfriends, folks. Sometimes they are the only ones who get it. When the husband forces you to marry him, then leaves you at the reception; when you’re on the cusp of a psychotic break; when you’re barreling, head first, into a doomed relationship … they’re the ones who will be there when it gets real.

Difficult is the new sexy (thank God!).

Scott is in love with Jo, even though he knows what he’s getting himself into. And that’s pretty sexy, too. His little speech about Jo being difficult was poetry. As a highly difficult (but worth it) woman myself, I am certainly happy to hear that it’s starting to be appreciated.

What about you? Learn anything this week?

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