NZ tourism questions/answers

These questions about New Zealand were posted on an independent New Zealand
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in New Zealand? I have never seen it rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
blow away.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Rotorua - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 200 kilometres, take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in New Zealand? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...?

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in New Zealand? Can you send me a
list of them in Auckland, Queenstown, Wellington and Nelson? (UK)
A: ...and what did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Emu racing in New Zealand? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. Ne-w
Zea-land is the small island comprising two main island just to the east of
Aus-tral-ia which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Emu racing is every
Tuesday night at Greenlane. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in New Zealand? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into New Zealand? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night at
Greenlane, straight after the Emu races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in New Zealand? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in New Zealand? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in New Zealand where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in New Zealand? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in New Zealand? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in New Zealand and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in New Zealand who can dispense snake
serum. (USA)
A: Snakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All New Zealand
snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in New Zealand in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Tauranga. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.