Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in loveby Extramarital Affairs I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, â€œfalling out of loveâ€ and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to â€œrecaptureâ€ those feelings.
This person has found a â€œsignificant otherâ€ who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again â€œfeels in love.â€
They are determined not to â€œsettleâ€ for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this type of infidelity. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how itâ€™s supposed to be. â€œFalling in loveâ€ is the norm â€“ the implication being, that if it doesnâ€™t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong â€“ with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find â€œthat loving feelingâ€ (reminds me of a songâ€¦) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a â€œgoodâ€ person and the desire to â€œfind that loving feelingâ€ seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, â€œfalling out of loveâ€ usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person â€œlooking for loveâ€ is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being â€œin loveâ€ is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a â€œlullâ€ in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I wonâ€™t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
|Author bio: The article is written by Dr. Robert Huizenga who is an expert at <a href="http://www.infidelity-help.com">surviving infidelity</a>. He offers advice on <a href="http://www.infidelity-help.com">(falling out of love)</a>.|
Created on Dec 31st 1969 18:00. Viewed 0 times.
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