Learn your lessons and patterns

We are constantly learning what we want and don’t want so take those lessons from your relationship as well.  Reflect on all the things that you appreciated and enjoyed as well as all the things you don’t ever want to have or that you aren’t willing to tolerate again.  You also need to own your behavior; this can be hard but our behavior also influences a relationship so be honest with yourself. We all make mistakes as well but we have the opportunity to learn and grow from them.  

The other piece is there may be a pattern that keeps recurring.  For example, think about any relationships you had before you were married as well, are you always attracting the same type?  Is there something that ALWAYS happens? By walking through the questions below, you can help identify some of the lessons and patterns that need to be made conscious.  By doing so, you then have the opportunity to change and break through that pattern if you so choose.  

Questions to reflect on:

Do I always attract the same kind of person?  

How does the relationship begin and what led to the end?  

Are there always “X” problems, such as communication, reliability, money etc?

Do I speak up when I appreciate something, am hurt, am angry?  Or do I hold grudge?

What behavior was accepted in the beginning that caused an issue down the road?  

What behavior was amazing in the beginning but then stopped?  

What arguments are repetitive?  

Are my partners people that never follow through on their promises or take advantage of you?  

Do you try to buy someone’s affections?  

Do you do everything for them and never get or accept anything in return?  

What bad behaviors happened?  Did excuse it rather than addressing it?  

Were you controlling or being controlled?

Is there any kind of pattern you can see in both yours and your partner’s behavior?  From the list, be clear so you know what you want and what you don’t want; who you want to be and who you don’t want to be.  If there is a pattern and you don’t want to repeat it again, then you need to consciously change it and seek something different.  

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