Articles

Emotional Abuse. The Hidden Abuse. There is help and hope for domestic violence!

by Lisa G. Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant

I hope this is a blog, that no one will need to read, ofcourse, but if  someone you know is suffering at the hand of a person with abusive behavior, either emotional or physical, I hope you will find some comforting, helpful and encoraging knowledge and advice from this blog.

I hope if someone out there is in need of help, this information will be helpful.

Unfortunately, many suffer day by day from emotional abuse..either themselves, or know somone that is personally suffering.

Physical abuse is very apparent in that it is almost always visible to the eye, yet emotional abuse can take its tole for years, with or without ever being noticed

This is a subject, not long ago, hardly understood or acknowledged, yet it is very real.

One thing is for sure, no one deserves to live in fear of someone you know or love.

There is plenty of help out there, if you or someone you know is in this situation, please seek help and guidance.

Here is a link with very informative information. This is a very good site on the subject.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/links.html




 
 
Phase 4 - Calm:

Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place. The "Honeymoon" phase.

 


Phase 1 - Tension Building:

Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim becomes fearful and feels the need to placate the abuser. 



Cycles Of Emotional Abuse 



Phase 3 - Reconciliation:

Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.



Phase 2 - Incident: Verbal, emotional, physical abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.
 



Understand how this cycle efficiently and completely destroys you:

 

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)


"Emotional and/or physical abuse can happen to women or men or child. No one deserves to be treated so unkindly."  Lisa G.

Recommended Books on Emotional Abuse:

Note: There are many resources out there, these are just a few suggestions and resources, please check your local community listings too.

Books & resources For women who are being abused:

1.  No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by their men

Author: Mary Susan Phd Miller

2.  The Verbally Abusive Man, Can he change? A Guide to deciding whether to stay or go.

Author: Particia Evans

 

Books and Resources for Men who are being abused

3.  Abused Men. The hidden side of domestic violence.

Author:  Phillip W. Cook

       A. http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/ (a website for abused men)

 

Books and Resources for helping a freind or a family member

4.  Web site: How can I help a Friend or a Family Member?

http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/friends.htm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)



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About Lisa G. Committed     Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant

799 connections, 8 recommendations, 1,950 honor points.
Joined APSense since, May 23rd, 2007, From Ventura, United States.

Created on Dec 31st 1969 18:00. Viewed 0 times.

Comments

Jennifer Underwood Professional   Promoter
I went thru all of everything in my last marriage. I now suffer from PTSD because of it all. It is such a hard world to live in. He would beat me up emotionally, mentally, physically...and then coming loving up back to me. Thank God I got out of it! Unfortunately my best friend did not. She was murdered by her live in boyfriend...he beat her to death.
If you are in this situation...there is hope and you need to get out NOW!


Dec 11th 2007 21:56   
Cheryl Baumgartner Professional Premium   Medical Billing/Coding/Insurance
Too many people do not acknowledge this exists. If there are no marks or bruises, it's not abuse. Believe after 12 years in law enforcement I know first-hand how emotional and verbal abuse can be ignored.

Great post Lisa.
Dec 12th 2007 11:20   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
Awwh...I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortunately, this happens way too often.

I'm so happy that you got out of that situation. The statistics are clear, that only about 3% of people that have an abusive behavior will ever completely stop the abuse.

I fortunately am not in this situation, but went through it side by side with a couple of very close friends. I became very educated on the matter, out of necessity. They are both okay now! Thank goodness. Amazing the steps that someone with this type of disorder will take, to make themselves look like they are the victim.

That's why I felt the need to post this bulletin. It's sad, but emotional and/or phsycial abuse is like serious disease, we all seem to know someone that is or has gone through it or still sufferning with it.

I'm not posting the 3% statistics to bring about negativity or lack of hope, but for awareness of these issues. From childhood, to adulthood, there is no discrimination upon whom abuse can happen to. Recognizing it, and taking action, could save a life. I know this is pretty heavy stuff, but felt a need to have this information and resources available to those who may need it.

The two of you have both worked with troubled people, if you have any advice, I would love to have you share it with everyone.
Dec 12th 2007 11:31   
Jennifer Underwood Professional   Promoter
And trust me, when I was in the situation..I was looked down upon from the 'outside' world. 'Why don't you just leave him'...'how can you let him do this to you'...
It is all a control and brainwashing game. One minute he would make me feel like the smallest molecule in the universe..and then the next minute make me feel like the most special person!
Together we had a nice 'material' life. And I really did think I loved him, and that he loved me. I'm sorry was words that were said on a daily basis. And what was so bad...even though I saw the 'signs' (his anger and temper at other things)..the abuse really didn't start until the DAY (literally) that we got married!
I am actually very lucky to be a live and to be here. When I finally said enough is enough...I had orders placed on him where he wasn't even allowed to be in the same county as myself.
(I was actually arrested once because the police were called by a neighbor...and because if he went to jail..well what about the bills...battered wife/partner syndrome...and I told the officer that nothing happened. Well it was apparent that something did happen..because of the marks around my neck...swollen eyes from crying..and my shoulder being thrown out. So the cop arrested us both. That is what is so unfortunate is situations like this..because that was not the answer at all. Thank GOD..the DA and the sheriff of the town new I was the victim..and dropped all charges...and thank God that A** hole cop was fired)
Well..I woke up after that and started sticking up for myself. I realized that all I was doing was abusing my children to allow them to see the pain that I was going through. *He would do all this when they were not 'around...or asleep'..or atleast think they were.
He would call me fat, ugly, useless one minute...and then the next the most gorgeous wonderful wife/mother/person.
So back to getting him the hell out of my county. We had been separated for 2 months. I was in the process of hiring an attorney and getting this man out of my life. I even purchased a car (and hid the car, and drove the vehicle he left me back and forth to work...just in case he was following me...it all semt like a movie...trust me...) Well, one Friday morning about 5am *I even had the locks changed on the house*...I woke up to him standing over me with a butcher knife. He was drunk as a skunk...he grabbed me by the hair...pulled me off the bed into the living room and held me hostage for 2 hrs. I just knew this was the end ...but I also knew I had to get out of it. I of course would talk him down..tell him how much I loved him..that we could work this out (anything to get him to calm down). And at one point he walked outside....(he had already destroyed the phone..which we went through so many of those...the last time I purchased a phone..I got smart)..I got a phone with a base speaker phone. When he went outside...I hurried up and hit the speaker phone and called 911. I only let it ring once..and hung up. (the cops knew this number and house by now). Well he heard the ring..and started freaking out..and new that they would be there in seconds. So he grabbed my daughter and put her in the truck...I chased him out there..well he had left the keys inside. So he ran back inside...and this was my break away. I grabbed my daughter and ran through the woods...barefoot and all and ran to my neighbors house which was about 100 yrds away. No one was there. I hid with my daughter and listened out for his truck (it had a very distinct sound) So, as soon as I heard another vehicle come down the road (and this is a very quiet road..not much traffic at all)...I ran and tried to stop them. The woman stopped..I know I scared her to death...but she said no I am sorry but I will call 911....
so I had to run back again and hide for the next vehicle. When I heard it...I ran back out..and this ANGEL of a woman told me to get in the back and hide. Well she took me right to the station. When we got there..the police where already in my house...looking for my body.
I hadn't even noticed but I already had tons of bruises and my hair was coming out. He pulled out about the size of a silver dollar.

NOW, I am not telling you guys all of this for pity. Because I am a survivor. And during this time I was supervising woman inmates. There was a few times, I thought about taking the knife and turning it back on him....but I knew all too well the outcome of that.
I even asked the detective what if I had...and he admitted...it was just best the way it had happened.
It took them 3 days to find him...and he served 2 yr in a detention facility.

Dec 12th 2007 11:49   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
Thanks for sharing your experinces, Jen.
You never know who may read your story, and decide to seek help, or to help a friend.

There is antother book, that I used as a reference when I helped my friends out. If somone does decide to help, your safety is of up most importance. I'll see if I can find this book in my library.
Dec 12th 2007 13:09   
Jeff Greene Committed   Online Marketing Specialist/Consultant
As I have witnessed two very tragic murder suicides and definitely know that Emotional and Physical violence have definite consequences, almost daily in this town, I really appreciate this posting... It's a dizzying epidemic, with sorrowful outcomes for all involved.

There are many resources available online, and offline, too.... Thanks for sharing yours, Lisa... The day can't come fast enough, when this hidden tragedy comes to an end.

My Love and Blessings Abound For You All!
Dec 12th 2007 13:25   
Jennifer Underwood Professional   Promoter
I hope so!
One of my main goals is to be a spokeswoman against Domestic Violence. And even though I am a woman that went through it, men are going through it just as bad. And then the poor poor children.
Dec 12th 2007 14:09   
Jenny Stewart Professional   
Thanks for this article Lisa. Emotional abuse is "technically" against the law in most countries. But there is an enormous problem. How do you prove it? Who is going to believe you? Many of these abusers have wonderful public images.

My kids' father was one of them - so quiet and smiling - people asumed he was gentle. I was the lively and so automatically the "agressive one". There was a little physical violence (always denied afterwards by him) but being trapped at home with two small children, not a lot of money makes you a great candidate for emotional abuse. A complete and total lack of support with the children, with our economic situation, with everything - and always the one in the wrong.

These people are often the masters of the mind game and it is only when you are finally released from these situations that you realise what you have been through. And it takes years to rebuild your self esteeem. Because you become mentally annulled and you have to learn to become a real person again - and most people dont even realised that it has ever happened to you.

I was fortunate. He left us and without a cent. So i was able to say - "when he abandoned us" which here in spain means physically and economically - I didnt end up the bad guy. Because in this old fashioned community and in those days a woman just had to put up and shut up. However there are so many other women in this similar situation who get no where fast - because it is so hard for people to recognise emotional abuse and the help that is needed.

In many ways it is even more insiduous that physical abuse - becuse it drives you crazy and you have no marks to show for it - people have far more difficulty in understanding that you are not crazy, but are being DRIVEN crazy.

Thankfully it is becoming more accepted as a wrong - but i think we have a long way to go.
Dec 12th 2007 14:43   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
I'm so happy to hear that your bad situation ended, and that you are all okay now.

Being told you are crazy, is the biggest excuse that an abuser uses to try to make the victim think that it is their fault. Usually, this accusation ocurs once the victim has become frustrated and mad at the abuser.

I hope people who are victims and/or living in an abusive enviroment know that they are not crazy, and that they are not alone.

There are a lot of sources available too, for counseling. Some offer sliding scales, and their are some free resources too. The Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers free suport groups. For those interested, please check your local listings.


Dec 12th 2007 15:01   
Penny Young Committed   Consultant
Thanks for this blog, Lisa.

Jenny and Jenn, it made me cry to read your posts. I am so thankful that you have been able to move on with your lives. I have also experienced this, and after a physically abusive marriage, spent much of my youth in emotionally unhealthy relationships. While I don't think any of us can totally heal the scars, I consider myself very lucky to now be in a safe, trouble-free marriage.

It is with mixed emotions that I read the comments here. On one hand, it is comforting to know that others have shared my experiences, as I felt so alone at the time, but on the other, it is horrific that this should be so common.

I was fortunate not to have children at the time. Somehow I found the strength to risk everything to get away from him. For years I was terrified that he would find me. I can't imagine how difficult it must be when you have children to consider. I am in awe of those who have managed to get out and rebuild their lives as well as protecting their kids. You are truly amazing, and I hope you are an inspiration to others.
Dec 12th 2007 18:21   
Jenny Stewart Professional   
Hi Penny,

In my case it wasnt particularly brave - it was just something that happened and has had to be overcome. there isn't a great deal of choice. I didn't have to run away - luycky me - he left!A

And the turning point comes when you just decide one day that you are worth more than all that sh*t. and you are just not willing to get into a repeat of the same situation (a variation on a theme, so to speak). i guess it never goes away completely - i will always have a horror of people shouting and screaming at me - but it stops feeling so personal.

You get to disassociate yourself from that kind of behaviour and it starts to appear alien - it just doesn't fit into your life anymore. and you are able to turn your back on people who are unable to show you respect just for being you.- because they no longer have any place in your life.
Dec 12th 2007 19:06   
Penny Young Committed   Consultant
Wise words, Jenny, and true. At the time, I had never even heard of domestic violence, and thought that my situation was unique. I certainly didn't know that help was available. Since then, there has been a lot more publicity about domestic violence, both physical and emotional. I hope that having accessible information and support helps people.


Dec 12th 2007 20:21   
Jennifer Underwood Professional   Promoter
Thank you Jenny and Penny.
Yes, it is so very sad at the people that go through this. I am still and probably always will be healing the scars that happened (and although this is the worse of it), there are so many other stories that I can share. Hence this was my second marriage...with my second crazy husband.
I thought I had an omen when it came to men. I thought that maybe some where I had a sign on my forhead, back, somewhere that said 'abusive men...come pick me'.
But then I figured out...I was the one that really picked them. Gullible..yes. But I still like to think of it as very loving, compassionate, and caring.
I am also truly blessed with my now soon to be husband. Unfortunately he has had to deal with and handle a lot of my 'emotional' issues when it comes to learning to trust another man after the last ordeal. He is the first relationship that I have been in since that. But during it all he has comforted me, protected me, been my best friend, lover...and also knows when to tell me I am wrong but in a caring way :0)
It is just so important to the one's who are in these type of relationships know that they have answers and a way out! Life is not about all that and they deserve much better. This has inspired me to put up a blog about my best friend Nina.
I am about to start the call for 'hump day at apsense'....so if you have forgotten about it..get yourself over there!
Dec 12th 2007 20:53   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
I'm so glad that you ladies are able to talk about your experiences now.
You just never know who may read this blog, or tell someone else about it, and who you may help.

You are all more healed than you may think. Being able to talk about your past is a true sign of healing.

My friend, was not able to open up for many years. The most helpless I ever felt in my lifetime, was when I saw her put into a mental institution, and saw her with a broke leg. Long story, but her abusive husband called the autorities one night, and claimed she was crazy, and denied breaking her leg. She got so upset, that by the time they arrived, she was pretty histerical, to be understood. He convinced them. She speny one whole week there. I could not stop crying when I saw her there. I just wanted to roll her and the wheel chair right out of there, but knew that I could not. I had been to support groups with her, and I was really starting to undestand what emotional and now physical abuse was all about.

My heart goes out to anyone who is suffering in an emotional or both pyhsical and emotional abusive relationship.

My friend seeked out help, and she moved far away from him. She is finally living in peace and happiness now.
Dec 13th 2007 11:30   
Mike Vamplew Advanced   
I think your blog is very good at straight to the point, the cycle you demonstrate is very true, i seen this emotional abuse with many friends over the years.
The victim feels too intimated to stand up for themselves or that something may turn physical, this year some friends of mine went through marriage problems where the husband was a very angry and volatile man.

He would always look to blow up over anything and everything, shouting at his wife or kids for no reason, then be fine for 5mins then continue to be aggresive with his voice.
Making the wife in tears, the kids were scared of him and started wanting to be anywhere but at home. The wife had an affair and found comfort somewhere else.

I think for someone in the situation they need to be positive, not feel weakened because of the aggressive nature of the voice, too much of verbal abuse and the victim should walk away. Avoid confrontation as this fuels someone who uses emotional abuse, they want to argue and be little someone this gives the power that makes them feel high and mighty.
My experience is too leave the area where the emotional abuse is happening, dont put up with it, let the emotional abuser simmer down, then try to talk about the problem and see if a conclusion can be reached, explain that there is a problem and it must be dealt with.

No one should put up with emotional abuse, martial arts training is good for developing a stronger mind and confidence, remembering violence solves nothing .

Not sure if that helps.
Mike

Dec 13th 2007 14:08   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
Thank you very, very much Mike!
That is very helpful information and advice that you have added to this subject..
Dec 13th 2007 14:11   
Jenny Stewart Professional   
Hi again,

Mike, in spite of the valuable comments you have made - i would take you to task on this

"I think for someone in the situation they need to be positive" This is the problem for most people - these are not times when you are ABLE top be positive, objective or anything else that its particularly useful to you, in order to get out of the situation.

Emotional abuse - is just that - ABUSE - and abuse causes wounds - in this case emotional, which leave you demoralized, debilitated and often physically weakened. Because it is a tremendous stres - and we all know how stress can damage us physically and mentally. There are many factors involved - including fear of breaking free (especially if you have small children and are unsure HOW you are going to support them and be two parents - because that is invariably what happens.

And the biggest problem is that, as i said before, it can drive you half crazy, or as in the case of Lisa's friend - totally crazy, and then you are no longer credible in many people's eyes - including those of people you would imagine would support you.

There are changes - especially in the law - but, in practice, people are still taking a very long time to accept that there is a fine line between unfairness or arguements in a relationship and actual abuse. And once it is crossed, then the damage is serious and needs to be stopped - and asking the victim to be positive is not the solution
Dec 13th 2007 16:53   
Jennifer Underwood Professional   Promoter
Mike,
I thank you for your comments...but abuse is abuse. Especially when it is someone that you love, or thinks loves you. It is a brainwashing game...and the abuser makes themselves look like the victim and you as the culprit! When I did 'stand up for myself', that is where the physical abuse started to play...and when I started to fight back..is when the police started getting involved. Trust me I did fight back! I even gave the jackass two big fat black eyes! (of course only out of defense for myself)
But even then...it all wasn't right period..and anyone in this situation..I don't recommend doing it. But sometimes you have to do what you have to do....but the most important thing to do..IS GET OUT AND GET HELP!
Dec 13th 2007 17:01   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
Some very good points. I know for my friend, acknowldgement of the wrong doings being done her, meant so much to her, but it never ever came from him. It's sad, but is not abnormal at all..that the victim gets victimized even by the ones that are supposed to care, espcially in emotional and verbal abuse situations. A lot of times, others will not fully belive her or him. The desperate cry for help can be so apparent, but so hard for others to see sometimes.


Dec 13th 2007 17:09   
Lisa G. Committed   Health Wellness & Wealth Consultant
One other thing, as seen in the cycle, the tables get turned, and the abuser trys to pretend that they are the ones being abused. For an example: I have personally seen the abuser yelling and cursing, while they (the victim) stands there trembling and crying, and then later they say, didnt' you hear her screaming at me, she crazy..don't you think so too.

As Jen said, it's a lot of mind games. On top of that, when the person does seek help from friends or family, a lot of times it's shrugged off as a normal disagreement between a couple, or..worse yet, the victim is told it takes two to tango.
Dec 13th 2007 17:14   
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